# The biggest nightmare, Biggest rapist.

Have you ever regretted wasting surfing the Internet or not doing anything in a day, months, or just a long time? 

I only lived almost a quart of life span, but there are two and a half years I didn't want to remember. I know I should not deny it, but It was too disgusting to think about. As I am so regretful for spending my precious time with an asshole-jerk beast. 

Some people would yell at me, "Hey! It was your choice. Be responsible for it!" 

Yeah, I admit. It was my fault to love that person and let him destroy me. I accept and tolerate his cheating and brainwashing. 

I intended to make him my lifebuoy, my antidepressant, and neglect my family. I disgrace them, so there was a price, a hard lesson. 

I spend the whole summer with him instead of being with my family, my sis, and my dad, even with my friends whom I missed when I was abroad. 

Minh is his first name, last name is Nguyen-van, middle name is Binh, so his name actually means "dawn"

His birthday is November 1st, the same year as me in 1999. 

The moment I write these things is 2021, I almost reach the age of 22. 

After I graduate high school, thought that I would kill myself due to the stress of studying and the depression plus PTSD (sexual harassment since 11th grade). 

Now I'm still struggling with depression every month, but I am able to handle the self-cutting by eating and binging. Guess no one could notice the scars. 

I knew him from a group that two of my friend participated in. We were good at English and tried to research and practice lucid dreams, so we named named Limbo. 

When I got back in VN, we were rushed into a relationship.  

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Although I broke up with him 1 year ago, I still felt disgusted about him. 

That's his inhuman trait terrified me not to contact him for I could not know he cloud done sth in my life anymore. 

I couldn't count how many times he raped me, to intercourse without my agreement. 

that day by day, I had to lay down on the bed to please his every drained sexual desire. 

To imagine that smell stinky and fatty raw meat lay down on my beloved body is such a ruin 

I let him do that for a lifebuoy

Those times, he gaslights and injects my mind, 

- No one could love you like I do, 

but when his dad forced him to break up, he immediately abandoned me. Really, he and his dad blamed me for his unsuccessful and capable ability. 

While he played games, slept, and done nothing, I already finished a public speaking class. 

While he got kicked out of the uni, my overall GPA is 3.9/4.0. 

While he tried to show me I've not done anything good and just because I had money, I helped many homeless in the street. 

which I had to praise and adore him when he helped other homeless. 

- Your mother and sister don't love you, they don't support you. I'm the only one who stands by your side. 

He isolated me from my family, and what I regret the most is missing many chances to have meals with my dad. Now he is really busy and I could not travel back time to redo.  My dad is a businessman, so he travels a lot to the Middle and North for his projects. 

But he asked me to join his family meals, to get humiliated from them. 
"Can you be more beautiful, cuz you're too ugly now. What if your guys have a child, how can I be able to check in with your baby?" his female cousin told him. He laughed, treated me as a joke while I tried to practice yoga for 4 months, and lose 25 lbs. 

Whenever I made new friends, told him how talented and nice they are. He would talk bad about them, jealous if it was male and more talented than him. He tacitly forbade me to make friends. 

So my world only had him. 

He told me that my mom and my sis humiliate him while his family could humiliate and lower me. 

In fact, my mom and sister already treated him the best they could. I am really in debt for respecting me. 

On his birthday, my mom ordered handmade shirts for him because she knew he was teaching English as a part-time job. 
My sis even let him enter his room. She is a cocky one, but he was my bf so she tried to please me. He hates dry and always tried to wet himself. 

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He choked me because his dad yelled at him. 

He put wrath on me. 

Many times I thought I was dead. 

He tied me, beat me with his belt, and didn't let me escape. 

"My parents would be sad if I die here," I thought with tears streaming down on my face.

He fainted after and rejected all his fault. 

He forced me to intercourse, and after all, I had to buy and swallow an emergency contraception pill by myself

twice a month,

and there were pimples, headache, nausea, tiredness, etc. 

He didn't want to use condoms, so I had to use contraception pills every month. 

I hate meat, but he loves meat, so I have to endure it.

I hate pork and beef. Chicken was ok. Thus, everytime I ate meat, I had to brush my teeth. He did not, and tried to kiss me with that dirty mouth. I pissed off many times and forced to brushed his teeth after waking up or after finishing meal. 

He hated bathing, washing his hair

He tried to break up with me in November when my weight was at the heaviest: 79 kg. Although he told me that he loved me no matter how I looked like. I still can't believe that we used to have sex in that weight. In fact, he tried to make me gain weight so he could control me easier. For no one would notice a fatty ugly woman. 

Then I remember, the moment I could spare my time to see about the problems of this rela
is the two months that I had a Speaking public class

I didn't see him in two months, then a few months when I was doing gym. I got class and was too tire to see him. 

Then I started to get sick of his smell and attitude. I getting tired of his cousin's words about my appearance, "Could you ask her 

When I getting skinnier, I ate clean (brown rice and boiled chicken thighs, carrots) and did the gym. 

He started to get crumble about I'm getting skinnier and ate healthily, he asked, 

"When you would start to eat normal back?? Would you keep eating like that?"

He tried to drag me to his dirty world, but at that moment, I finally realized our world was soon different. 

I said, "so what's wrong with it?" a mocking smile, against what he said. 

On an afternoon, I came by his home. He begged me to met him, and he told me that he wanted to die. 

I thought that I soon fell out of love with him, but I still cried. 

My mind felt disgusted but my body still loves him, and its memory or emotion didn't want him to die.

It was too easy for him to die at this time. Too easy if compared to my pains: what I had to endure in three years. 

Anyway, as my younger sister always said, "You knew when is the last time you could see them in this life." 
She was right, a slightly twist in the heart, may not make you notice about; However, that sorrow beat of heart let you know to remember. 

The last time we met, we cried. But to remember how he abandoned me when his dad wanted to. As we only met when his dad was not home, and I was sneaky like a rat in his family.